Improvements to well known songs

Almost in chronological order

• Tessla
To the tune of Catch A Falling Star by Perry ComoClick music in


Catch me in my Tessla I'm going like a rocket
Never used the brakes today.
Catch me in my Tessla I'm going like a rocket
For petrol i do'nt have to pay.
For cars may come and try and over take me
But they loose the fight.
Just in case you you feel you wanna try it
You'll only have a view of my rear lights.
Catch me in my Tessla I'm going like a rocket
My super-charge'll never fade away.

• Lytham
To the tune of Rhythm is a Dancer by Snap.Click music in


Lytham is a dancer
It's a town in Lancashire
The people there are very happy.
Living by the Ribble
Coffee shops a plenty
Everyone is debonaire.

OH OH it has a station
OH OH see its white windmill
OH OH visit Lowther.
OH OH

Lytham is a dancer
It's a town in Lancashire
The people there are wearing smiles.
Walking all their doggies
Up and down the beach roads
Everyone is free from care.

OH OH it has a golf course
OH OH Sit by Charlie's mast.
OH OH dig its sea defence
OH OH

Rap section

Come to Lytham, by car, park it, all day, you'll Stay
Find the square, dig it, eat some lunch, see the rocks
Pause a while in the shops, buy a jig-saw, and perfume
Please take it all in nothing to loose all to win
Let the festival hold you, move you, see the bands.
New Georgan Halls we got one - like it, love it, history all day
If that don't getcha , we will fethca down a cocktail bar
And as you grove in Lyham as a dancer, free your mind, taste the air.
• Keep Taking The Tablets
To the tune of 'The Hills Are Alive' Click music in


MY PILLS , there are five that I take each morning
With tea they go down, all the same way
Those pills are all made, by the Sandoz factory
Then flown to me, from there, by plane.

My repeat prescript (thank the Lord) works like a charm
Every month I simply log on
I select the place, I wish to collect, them from
All that's left is to wait, three days
And when I call in, they ask for my name n'ear forget my address
Then present me with my bag, all ready to take away!

I love every meal with Omprazol tablets
I ward off the flu with my vitamin D
My heart will be blessed with Amlodipine 5 milligram tablets
And I'll take some more. (Tomorrow).
• Cafe de Paris Open MIDI file.
To the tune of COPACABANA (Manilow/Sussman/Feldman)


(0:26) The place was Lytham
The time was winter
And I was sitting in the square
But there wasn 't any chairs
And then the council
Moved into action
And banished all the motor cars
With a nifty pavement plan
To make us use our feet
They brought in their concrete
And the traffic would be redirected
Down another street

At the Cafe, Cafe de Paris
I ripped off a song done by Barry
At the Cafe, Cafe de Paris
Pedestrianisation has lead to expansion
At the Cafe, I found a seat.

I got the menu
It was in English
My small breakfast came along
Just as I began this song
And through the window
I saw the people
Who would 've come too far
But not actually by car
To see the coloured tiles
They walked for miles and miles
And the map was just what they needed
To find the hardware store

At the Cafe, Cafe de Paris
I ripped off a song done by Barry
At the Cafe, Cafe de Paris
Skateboarding junkies are never a problem
At the Cafe, they all fall down.

And now it 's summer
We dine al fresco
With tables outside everywhere
As they re-dig up the square
To make improvements
To the drainage
And so we never use the car
To get a curry from our Spar
As we can not be sure
About it 's temperature
Or how far away we 'll have to park it
From our own front door

At the Cafe, Cafe de Paris
I dedicate this song to Barry
At the Cafe, Cafe de Paris
Wear something warm be prepared to get wet
At the Cafe, don 't freeze to death

• Men In Black
To The Tune Of FIRESTARTER by The Prodigy. No MIDI file.


I 'm the whIStlE blower
Blasted rED carder
I 'm tHe black shiRt hITLER
Blind invigilator

I 'm a rEferee
fOOtBaLL referee
You 're a referEE
fOOtBaLL refEree
I 'm a referee
fOOtBaLL rEferEe

I m the man who 's knowin
When the rules is broken
(YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH)
On the paRK OBey me
KiSS my ArsE or maybe

You 're a refeREe
fOOtBaLL referee
Blasted reFEree
PuNkInG just like ME

See if you can spot
All the bRIBes I got
A miLLion Sky RePLays don 'T miss
I don 'T give a PIss

I'm a fOOtBaLL ref
Up a gUm tree
You 're a fOOtBaLL ref
Where 's me fifty squid?
I 'm a referee
I 'm BlInD duMb and deaF
• The world wide wait Open MIDI file.
To the tune of BORN TO BE WILD
From the 1968 release "Steppenwolf"
Music by Mars Bonfire
Dedicated to the World Wide Wait


(0:15) Get your modem runnin
Launch Internet Explorer
Lookin for a web page
And whatever pops your way
Yeah Darlin you think you found it
But it's saved in the wrong format
Try runnin it anyway
And have a nice day

Now you've done your restart
Scandisk's run and happy
Back lookin for a web page
And whatever pops your way
Yeah Darlin you think you've hit It
But the page cannot be found
If you typed in the address bar
Make sure it 's all right

Time to dig you heals in
You know, this could take some time
You can search again
You'll never let it die

This might take you a while
This might take you a while

(middle 8 get a cuppa)

You started this on Monday
And now it's nearly Sunday
Went lookin for a web page
And you gotchaself a virus
Yeah Darlin you clicked the wrong thing
And then you said OK
Erased all of your files at once
Then sent it to work

Time to dig you heals in
You know, this could take some time
You'll install it all again
You'll never let it die

You can reinstall it all
You can reinstall it all

• Donuts Yee Haaa! Open MIDI file.




Donut come in too early. Wait for (0:24).

Stalein stalein stalein
All the time improvin
Keep em donuts stalein - donuts
I don't frigerate em
But open space and flame em
Soon they'll be dryin over night
My mouth's salavatin
My tummy's 'tiapatin
They're stalein up so hard and so white.

Buy em in! Stale em up!
Nosh em down! Crisp em hard!
Dry em out! Stale em up! DONUTS!
Eat em hard! Nosh em up!
Bring em on! Buy em all!
Keep em out! Stale em up! DONUTS

Keep stalein stalein stalein
All the time improvin
Keep em donuts stalein - donuts
Just keep your "Sell by" sticker
I won't eat em any quicker
Buyin em fresh just ain't my thing
When the sugar's drippin
I'm crispy finger lickin
They're hard enough to crack your tooth bone

Raspberry jam! Apple sauce!
Caramel! Strawberry jam!
Chocolate sauce! Plain ring! DONUTS
Buy em in! Stale em up!
Nosh em down! Crisp em hard!
Dry em out! Stale em up! DONUTS!

• Croquet Open MIDI file.
To the tune of YMCA by Village People


Croquet that 's the game you should play
I said Croquet well it blows me away
I said Croquet you can play like a dream
Soon you 've got your hand e cap down

Croquet If it 's dry or it 's wet
I said Croquet you can use your mal let
To make roquet from a long way away
And then go off on the cro kay stroke

It 's fun to play the game C R O K
It 's fun to play the game C R O K
You can peg yourself out
When you didn 't mean to
You can fail on a triple peel

It 's fun to play the game C R O K
It 's fun to play the game C R O K
When you have enough bisques
You could build the Forth Bridge
And you're sure of a realy neat win

Croquet don 't forget your flat shoes
Or we ll make you play in your holey socks
Cause there 's no way we want your deep heel marks
Spoiling con tin u a shun shots

Croquet There 's a take off to make
and you do it but the ball it don 't shake
And they ask you if the ball it don 't move
And you ask them if may be they 're blind?

It 's fun to play the game C R O K
It 's fun to play the game C R O K
You can play the wrong ball
Which could just end your turn
If discoverd in the limit of claims

It 's fun to play the game C R O K
It 's fun to play the game C R O K
When you're playing someone
Who is always joined up
And likes keeping you miles apart

Croquet when you just can 't hit in
You get one shot in the whole of the game
At a double but you miss by a mile
And leave a four ball break for them

Croquet yes we play in the rain
I said Croquet every game is the same
You make two hoops in three hours and a half
And the mi nus pla yer starts to laugh

It 's fun to play the game C R O K
It 's fun to play the game C R O K
You can take a long time
To decide what to play
And then mess it up n e way

It 's fun to play the game C R O K
It 's fun to play the game C R O K
When you forget your lift
And you run the wrong hoop
Then you roquet the blue with green

C R O K C R O K
You can peg yourself out
When you didn 't mean to
You can fail on a triple peel
C R O K C R O K
Da de da de da da da de da de de de
• Gianfranco Zola Open MIDI file.
Please be upstanding while we sing verses 2, 3 and 4

Vialli's merry Chelsea men, let nothing you dismay,
Remember 'Franco Zola was born* on Christmas day.
To save us all from scoreless draws when we were gone astray.
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.

From Napoli in ninety six a bless-ed angel came,
And unto certain set peices brought legendary fame,
How that in Stamford Bridge we chant Gianfranco Zola's name.
O tidings of comfort and joy...

The winner, then, he scored it, in Stockholm on that night.
The Euro cup saw Zola score as only Zola might.
The Super Cup soon followed when we beat Real Madrid.
O tidings of comfort and joy...

Vialli's merry Chelsea men rejoic-ed much in mind,
And fed the ball to Zola as he ran down the line,
And let him take the set piece kicks, the back of nets to find.
O tidings of comfort and joy...

Now to Ken Bates send e-mails all you within this place,
To renew Zola's contract for next years Premiership race.
We need his skill, we want his style, we love his searing pace.
O tidings of comfort and joy

• Monaco Open MIDI file.
To the tune of You Never Give Me Your Money by The Beatles


1st verse is piano only
(0:26) I went straight on at Saint Devote
I never took a line through De La Rascasse
And at the apex of the hairpin
I broke down

And in the darkness of the tunnel
And where the sweeping curve is at its fastest
before emerging to the bright sunlight
I broke down

Out of petrol, had a shunt
got a puncture, lost the front
all the Castrol 's gone it just won 't go
David Coultard 's on my back
Braking late lost the knack
Yellow flags wave nowhere to go
But that 's the fun of driving round Monaco
Oh that 's the fun of driving round Monaco

(Now wait for do do do doodlely do)

One bad race
Last on the grid ten seconds off the pace
Murry 's shouting GO GO GO
Stepped on the gas but stalled it on the line
One bad race got me last place
got me last place
got me last place (just as usual)

Rubens Shuie Fisischella
Whats that black flag tryin to tell ya?
Rubens Shuie Fisischella
Whats that black flag tryin to tell ya?
Rubens Shuie Fisischella
*!#% you 're all right the black flag 's for me
• Come On You Blues (Ham Onion Booze) Open MIDI file.
To the tune of Jerusalem written by Sir Hubert Parry in 1916


Ham onion booze, that 's what we sing
When we are going to the Bridge
A pint of larger with a top
Is what we drink at Stamford Bridge
My Toblerone will see me through
At least until half time arrives
When I can buy some more, with a pie
From the shop. Ham onion booze!

Bring me my ham we sing as one
Bring me the onion I desire
Bring me my booze a larger top
And lead me to my Shed End seat
Where I can see our best team yet
And wave my programme up in the air
As when we score the final goal
That sees us win the Premiership
• Jubilee Open MIDI file.
to the tune of WE WILL ROCK YOU by QUEEN


Elizabeth of Windsor young girl
Holdin my breath gonna wear a big crown some day
You'll get quids With my face
Buckingham palace
Wearin my diamonds all over the place

Singin
I will I will rule you
I will I will rule you

'Elizabeth The Second' big queen
Walkin in the street gonna shake the World's hand one day
Ya got stamps with my face
Buckingham palace
Dishin out honours all over the place

One will one will rule you
The lotta ya
One will one will rule you

Elizabeth Regina! big star
Changin my ways gonna go on Big Brother some day
I gotta smile on my face
Buckingham palace
Never let "C" gedda holda the mace

He won't He won't rule you
Uh huh
He won't He won't rule you
Thas ride
He won't He won't rule you
Him not as good as me
He won't He won't rule you

UHHGGGGRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
GrangGrang chGrangGrang UrkChughachughachucka
Dang Danga Danga Dang Dang
Dang Danga Danga Dang Dang

• Retrospective renditions Open MIDI file.
To the tune of How Long by Ace


(0:27) It 's been so long since I destroyed a song
So long since I destroyed a song

Well it started with 'Cafe de Paris'
Where I ripped of a song done by Barry
Then I couldn 't help do one by Prodigy
Where the ref 's twice as dumb as he seems
And the one that I wrote about Zola
Is the one that most irratates Rob
But there aint no use in pretending
I 'm not going to give up my day job

It 's been so long since I destroyed a song
So long since I destroyed a song

Take it away lads, That 's fine
OK lads, that 's great
OK that 's enough
OY get off

(1:59) Stale donuts and racing round Monaco
Were just two of my personal themes
And 'Jerusalem' was surely the right tune
To write about my fOOtBaLL team
And if you fancy a game of Croquet
Then I more than happy to play
If I ain 't had my head chopped off
By the Queen or Freddy Mercury

Its not long since I destroyed a song
Hey man, I destroyed this song
not so long since I destroyed this song

• 01/07/2007 Open MIDI file.
To the tune of Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum


(0:35) She 's smoked her last tobacco
In all indoor public spaces
As in other parts of Europe
Where the crowd called for air
When the room was getting smoky
And the air con didn 't work
When they called out for an open window
The waiter brought an ash tray

Now its not much later
And she 's thinking this ain 't fair
While their breathing cleaner air
I 'm longing for cigarettes

She asked them 'what will happen
if I'm caught fag-in-hand'?
And they told her she could be fined
As much as fifty quid
Those in charge of the premises
Would be fools to let her do it
Considering they 'd loose everything
If the issue goes to court.

And so its not much later
Than two thousand seven
On the first day of July
Put her lighter in the dustbin

• They do a good job Open MIDI file.
To the Tune of All My Loving by The Beatles


Close my bin and I 'll leave it
For the men from the council
Who come every fourteenth day
To the council I 'll say
If it 's green or it 's grey
I 'll send all my rubbish to you

I 'll wash out my jam jars
And extinguish my cigars
Before placing them in the correct bin
To the council I 'll say
If it 's green or it 's grey
I 'll send all my rubbish to you

All my rubbish I will send to you
All my rubbish sorted through and through

If I recycle my arse
Does it go with the glass?
Or should I just put it inside a tin?
To the council I 'll say
If it 's green or it 's grey
I 'll send all my rubbish to you

All my rubbish I will send to you
All my rubbish you 'll be looking through
All my rubbish I will send to you
• Chaos Stretch your wings Open MIDI file.
To the tune Pinball Wizzard by The Who


(0:35) According to Wikipedia
The effect describes a notion
Where all initial conditions
With chaos theory unfold
Small variations that you start with
Give rise to larger ones
And the long term behavior
Can 't be predicted at all

This esoteric behavior
is exhibited by a ball
rolling down a hill
in several ways may fall
Depending where you start it
The initial position is all
And the long term behavior
Can 't be predicted at all

He 's Edward Lorenz
His equations are a wiz
Edward Lorenz
Makes such a good forecast

We all know how he does it
We all know
(Attractors work it out)

Somewhere in South Australia
On a Eucalyptus twig
A Butterfly is dreaming
About pure math and trig
Stretching out a dorsal wing
Tracing a cycloid curve
The calculations are done
Predicting two weeks of sun

I thought I knew
About my space-map model
But I just handed
My crystal ball to him

For a little further reading
I 'll recommend this book:
By Edward N Lorenz
Called The Essence of Chaos
From nineteen ninety six
The I S B Number is
zero two nine five
nine seven five one four eight
• Iceland flights off Open MIDI file.
Jet Stream to the tune of Jumping Jack Flash


(0:27) I 's asleep for two hundred years at least
I 's awake with a fire and a black ash smoke
But it 's no flights now because of my ash
But it 's no flights because of my ash and my gas gas gas

Yeahhh take off

At my heart there 's a sub-glacial magma pool
It 'll send you the boilin water and rock
But it 's no flights now because of my ash
But it 's no flights because of my ash and my gas gas gas

Yeaaah grounded

I 'll poison all the water and all the grass
While I am crowned with a spike up into the sky
I am Eyjaf jalla jokull of Reykjavik
I 'll send all my tephra to land in your way
But it 's no flights now because of my ash
But it 's no flights because of my ash and my gas gas gas
• FNC Open MIDI file.
The Friday Night Club to the tune of Moondance by Van Morrison.
Dedicated to Jean, Kay, Peter B and Keith


(0:09) Well it 's a Friday Night Club in Lytham,
And we 're off now for something to eat.
We will often have something Italian ,
But we never eat anything Greek.
And then sometimes it 's a Curry ,
Or it could be from Thai By Night.
If Novellos is sunny we call in,
And we take all the spaces outside .
And at the Chinese restaurant be it Chu 's be it Wok 's,
We choose the early bird menu which we know off by heart.

Can I just find a place to stand real ale - in hand
Can I just make a seating space for you - no chance

Well it 's a Friday Night Club in Lytham,
And I don 't think I mentioned the Queens.
They will sell you a drink in a beaker,
So you can take it onto Lytham Green.
But we don 't do that if it 's raining,
Which explains why we 've never been there.
Then there 's another place which I can remember,
It 's the Clifton 's restaurant and bar.
And every time when I pass it I just tremble inside,
Liz in her wedding dress, with our friends, all inside.

Can I just find a place to stand real ale - in hand
Can I just make a seating space for you - no chance

How you doing?

Those frilly bits kill me.

Nice Piano Solo this but goes on a bit.

OH! Is that a Moog?
Or a Stylophone?

Here we go again Get ready come in with Cool Vibes at (3:06)
It is TRICKY be warned 8>) Stay true the tune while the band go crazy

Well it 's a Friday Night Club in Lytham
And we 'll be I.T.T.* at six
We may venture something exotic
(3:18) Or we stick with their very own best.
(3:22) And then we 'll circle like Vultures
when a stool or a chair will be free
(3:30)And before you know it
We 've a table with seating for all of us there.
(3:35)And as the noise level rises,
bouncing off of those bricks
(3:38)We talk just a little bit louder before running out.

Can I just find a place to stand real ale - Oh yes.
Can I just make a seating space for you - Of course.

One more meal out
With you
On a Friday Night

Diya Diya Diya Diya Diya Diya Diya Diya Diya 's empty

On a Friday Night
Can I just have one more FNC with you?
One more meal out.
See you next week.

* I.T.T. Stands for In The Taps, a local Public House of good repute.
• Apologies to Bob Open MIDI file.
To the tune of Jammin By Bob Marley & the Wailers


I 'm spamin
I wanna spam it to you
I 'm spamin, spamin
And I hope your filters let me through

I got this nifty piece of code running in its own shell
Its gonna execute me to you
But this ain 't no tin of meat in a Monty Python sketch
I 'm spamin you my messages of death

I 'm spamin
An I think I 'll do some phishing for you
I 'm spamin
And I hope your filters let me through

Your Wiki guestbook forum don 't bother askin how
I m gonna spam it to death
Nothing stops my code your bloggin facebook life
Is gonna take you up my garden path

I 'm spamin
We is harvesting yo eMail address
I 'm spamin
Conectin to my zombie network

Security hole trapdoor
Holy Microsoft client
Spam gives us a handle
CODE RULES ALL CREATION

I 'm spamin
I wanna wanna spam it to you
And I know your filters let me through
I 'm spamin
And I know your filters let me through

I 'm zippin up one now, it 'll tell you what to do
Because 'you have won a prize'
But when yous open it up, yo find yous outa luck
An you won 't believe your eyes

Keep me spamin
Spamin me over to you
Ba ba ba do de
• BREXIT In? Out? Open MIDI file.
Too the Tune of Back in the USSR by The Beatles
You may replace * with either 'in' or 'out' depending on your circumstances.


Took my voting paper to the ballot box
Man I had a dreadful choice.
I had to choose a box to put in a cross
But would it be the same as you?
I'm back * the EUEC
We don't know how lucky we are
Back * the EUEC .

Seemed like such a good idea at the time
I'd get a chance to cast my vote.
But someone said something not quite right
And nor were they on their own.
I'm back * the EUEC
We don't know how lucky we are
Back * the EU; Back * the EU; Back * the EUEC .

Well the Ukraine girls are on their way home
They lost their jobs today
The Polish girls aren't far behind
Because they think their n n n n n ot a low low low llowed to stay.

Aw come on!
Ho yeah!
Ho yeah!
Ho ho yeah! yeah! yeah!

Yeah I'm back * the EUEC.
You don't know how lucky you are Brits
Back * the EUEC.

Well the Ukraine guys are on their way home
They lost their jobs today
The Polish guys aren't far behind
Because they think their n n n n n ot a low low low llowed to stay.

Oh, now we are an island living by ourselves
No one else is welcome in.
We can write our constitution without help
And don't need to keep our beaches clean.

Yeah I'm back * the EUEC.
You don't know how lucky you are Brits
Back * the EUEC.
Oh let me tell you, honey
Hey, I'm good!
I'm back * the EUEC.
Yes, I'm free!
Yeah, back * the EUEC.
• Eight Ball in the Side Open MIDI file.
To the Tune of It's A Long Way To Tipperary


(0:12) Pragmatic motivations
Are the order of the day
As the coast line falls apart
The physicists will say
No measurable quantity
Will ever make the grade
Then Cantor got excited
And he made the aleph-null

It's a long way to in-fin-it-eee
It's a long way to go
It's a long way to in-fin-it-eee
As points in space just grow
Goodbye, Real Analysis
Hello Calculus!
It's a long long way to in-fin-it-eee
So get on the bus

The state of being infinite
Is vastly overlooked
By anyone with any sense
Or else they feel the void
The boundlessness is not a joke
An edge you'll never find
Russle's set theory you fall back on
Forever on your mind

It's a long way to in-fin-it-eee
It's a long way to go
It's a long way to in-fin-it-eee
As points in space just grow
Goodbye, Real Analysis
Hello Calculus!
It's a long long way to in-fin-it-eee
So get on the bus

Now when you're done and dusted
And you've counted it all up
You need to add just one more on
Or you'll never have enough
The early Greeks did that with primes
Zeno thought it through
The Koch snowflake (a fractle object)
Is what you need to view

It's a long way to in-fin-it-eee
It's a long way to go
It's a long way to in-fin-it-eee
As points in space just grow
Goodbye, Real Analysis
Hello Calculus!
It's a long long way to in-fin-it-eee
So get off the bus
• Open MIDI file.

The Kasbah ; to the tune of My Guitar Gently Weeps by George Harrison.

(0:17)
I look at my goat and I see it need feeding
While the Kasbah soundly sleeps
I open my pot and I see that it's empty
Still the Kasbah soundly sleeps

I don't know why tourists don't buy
The carpets I'm making
I don't know why they walk past my door
My prices are so low

For all of my life I have bowed down to Mecca
With the Kasbah we all kneel
For thousands of years the drama's been unchanging
Will the Kasbah hear my prayer?

Well...

(2:26)
I wonder why the tourists don't buy
the boxes I'm making
I wonder why they don't even look
My quality is amazing

I talk to them all see the money they're making
Will my Kasbah share some too?

Look at them all

While my Kasbah bids farewell
• Open MIDI file.

Bogoff ; to the tune of Yesterday by L&M.

Less to pay
Is what all the supermarkets say
When they advertise on Tee Vee
Oh I believe there's less to pay.

Suddenly
I've got half the cash I used to have
And a trolley that is full of trash
With more to pay in other ways.

Why I had to go I didn't know they'd lie to me
Leaving, I tapped my card and now they know I went astray .

Less to pay
Their hypnosis found me easy prey
Now I need to visit every day
As I believe there's less to pay.

Why do I still go, I ask myself every day
The vouchers that they send make me come back.
Every day.

Less to pay.
We all need to eat every day
And there is no where else for me to go
so I'll be back tomorrow.

I'll be back tomorrow.